Missing Malaysia Flight 370 Found, Passengers Fine But Shaken; “What Do You Mean We Don’t Get to…
From extraterrestrial hostages to yesterday’s news
After a harrowing nine years, the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 has been found and its passengers have returned home with a story to tell. Initially, it had been assumed that the plane crashed, and its passengers perished. But the truth was something few anticipated.
“So I was watching The Amazing Spider-Man 2 on my airplane one day, when all of a sudden the plane was, like, wrapped up in some crazy green beam. We were sucked into some totally huge spacecraft and met these green-tentacle’d dudes who said something about ‘universe domination’ or something. Turned out, though, they were actually pretty cool,” explained survivor Brad Perkins.
“So I always thought first contact with aliens would be something subtle… microbial life on Mars… or a cell on Saturn’s moon — I didn’t think the Hollywood movies had this one right,” explained survivor and biochemist Denise Neulight of the eight foot tall, four-eyed green creatures.
“They didn’t even have Netflix. They have inter-dimensional travel figured out, but I couldn’t even get Vudu for Christ’s sake? We had to make do with alien soap operas. Do you know how hard it is to follow a storyline when you don’t speak Squibble-Flap? And don’t even get me started on alien porn…” stated one survivor who preferred to remain anonymous.
It’s only been a day since their miraculous return, and details are still continuing to emerge. Experts are beginning to corroborate, though, that this was indeed our first definitive contact with extraterrestrial life.
But in a world reeling from the loss of five wealthy travelers in a shoddy submarine, the reception of the news has been surprisingly tepid.
“So turns out the ⍙⊑⏃⟟ — ⏁⊑⟒ galaxy doesn’t have Wi-fi or cellular, so I’ve been seriously itching to update my Facebook page and see what my friends are up to. But now that I’m home and I’ve told everybody about my intergalactic odyssey, everyone’s just too focused on this damn submersible to care,” lamented surviving tax attorney Margaret Brewer.
Some passengers were more frustrated still.
“Not gonna lie, I was kinda banking on being a celebrity after all this. You’re telling me I just spent a decade eating space mushrooms and zero gravity sh**ting and I can’t even get a guest spot on Ellen? Straight bullsh**,” said survivor Mark Lewis of Indiana.
It’s true that the public has shown limited interest in the matter. When asked if they’d heard the news of the return of the Malaysia passengers, and the subsequent discovery of intelligent alien life, civilians had surprisingly little to say.
“Wait we made first contact? Well how bout that! When those brave billionaires are finally rescued from their submarine, I’m sure they’ll be delighted to hear that,” explained one New Yorker.
“The Malaysia airplane? Never heard of it. That’s cool about the aliens though,” added another.
A couple in Boston, too, seemed unaware of the news entirely.
“Wait a minute… I think I remember the Malaysian airplane! That was that movie with Tom Hanks and the volleyball, right?” the woman asked.
“No, the Malaysian airplane was the one with the talking animals who got sent to — ” her husband followed suit before being interrupted.
“No, that was Madagascar,” his wife corrected him.
Others, still, were aware of the news but found simply that they “didn’t care,” as one North Carolinian put it. “The Malaysia airplane is so 2011,” she said of the 2014 disaster that resulted in over 230 civilians being unsuspectingly whisked off by extraterrestrials.
“I mean, aliens are cool and all, but did you hear about how much people are paying for Taylor Swift tickets? Now that is the story of the century right there,” stated one LA woman. “Ridiculous!”
While there may be a lengthy adjustment period ahead for the passengers of Malaysia flight 370, it’s clear that the sting is only made worse by the reality they may not get to be internet celebrities after their near-decade long ordeal in a cable and caffeine-free dimension.