Musk’s Latest Innovation: "Space Raptors are the Future, Trust Me!"
Elon Musk unveils Jurassic Universe
Following the tragedies that befell Jurassic Park and Jurassic World, investors were less than enthused about the burgeoning Dino-tourism industry. After a lengthy battle of legal disputes and a record breaking six and a half months without any T-Rex escapes in any of the dinosaur parks that still remained open, attitudes began to shift. One great innovator was especially willing to explore the continued potential of dinosaurs — but this time with one caveat.
“Well, you see, I’ve been thinking about diversifying,” began SpaceX and Tesla CEO Elon Musk when asked about his plans.
“Sure, Tesla’s got the roads covered and SpaceX has rockets pretty well cornered, but there’s one thing I haven’t yet explored… so I thought, why not combine my lifelong passion for dinosaurs and my love for space?” he explained with childlike optimism.
“But, let’s talk about the T-Rex in the room.
I know there were a few … minor mishaps in the past few attempts to tap into this exciting new industry. A couple of rogue dinosaurs here, a few dozen eaten tourists there. But honestly, who among us hasn’t accidentally set a few velociraptors loose in a theme park?” Musk asked earnestly.
“We’ve learned so much from those experiences. Like, for instance, a ‘do not disturb’ sign means nothing to a velociraptor. And this time, by giving dinosaurs an entire galaxy to roam free, I think we’d actually avoid a lot of the issues that can emerge around terrestrial dinosaur habitats. It’s also important to remember, the real failure in Jurassic Park wasn’t the dinosaurs, it was the humans. This time, we’re hiring smarter people. And possibly a few cyborgs…” Musk trailed off.
After the traumas the world had endured with the failure of Jurassic Park and Jurassic World, audience members appeared surprisingly receptive to the prospect of space velociraptors. Others were downright enthusiastic.
“Think about it. Dinosaurs are like big, scaly, occasionally carnivorous cars. And who’s better at handling big, occasionally carnivorous machines than me? Tesla’s autopilot has nothing on a self-driving Triceratops.
And let’s not forget to take environmental considerations into account. Have you seen the size of T-Rex poop? We could single-handedly solve the solar system’s composting needs. Once we have our first permanent human settlements built on Mars, the dinosaurs should be no problem,” he concluded.
“I always wanted to ride a triceratops in space!!” exclaimed one audience member.
“T-Rexes on Mars? That sounds like an awesome idea!” said another.
But as Musk’s plan came to fruition, things went awry in ways that could have never been expected. After all, who could have predicted that letting prehistoric beasts freely roam the cosmos in astronaut gear could be problematic?
That T-Rexes would learn to flourish in an oxygen-free environment was certainly unanticipated. But if they seemed like fearsome predators on earth, they’re decidedly more scary when they’re barreling ferociously down toward you from an open sky. The first casualties were taken as a learning experience.
When velociraptors were given their own planet, and a few years of Musk-assisted evolution, their intelligence began to grow into a major point of concern. “I was just curious how smart we could make them if we adjusted their natural selection to favor intellect,” Musk told initial skeptics. But as monacle-clad Cretaceous predators began electing leaders and figuring out superior means of space travel, it was clear that the Twitter CEO began to have second thoughts about some of his ambitions.
With stegosauruses proliferating wildly on the orange martian soil he’d once considered prime real estate, tourists were beginning to grow annoyed that the little time they could spend sunbathing on this tiny red planet was now marred by the groans of giant, Jurassic beasts.
Musk didn't take into account that by interfering with the evolution of these prehistoric creatures — while feverishly pioneering new frontiers in space — things could spiral out of control. He’d spread himself thin. It wasn’t until megalodons and mosasaurs evolved past the need for oxygen entirely, though, that the Tesla CEO began to truly worry he was in over his head.
They started occupying the liquid methane lakes of Titan, Saturn’s largest moon, turning it into a cosmic SeaWorld. The sight of massive megalodons leaping in and out of methane lakes was indeed beautiful, but the loss of our only off-Earth site of complex hydrocarbons was a heavy price to pay.
With dinosaurs beginning to freely multiply in the open cosmos, it was clear that Musk’s experiment had met a similar fate as had fallen upon Jurassic Park and Jurassic World. With space bound T-Rexes and allosauruses interfering more and more with SpaceX’s launches and day-to-day life within the International Space Station, Musk finally saw the need to issue an apology.
Clad in a SpaceX t-shirt and with a sheepishly somber look stretched across his face, he addressed the public. “I apologize for the inconvenience that my actions may have caused,’ he began, his words echoing through the international broadcast. ‘I now realize that, perhaps, launching carnivorous dinosaurs into space was not my best idea. It turns out that raptors are quite good at pirating our spaceships… and designing space crafts of their own…”
Turning his attention from the runaway raptor intelligence situation he’d inadvertently caused, he swallowed noticeably before continuing. “And it turns out, too, that T-Rexes and brontosaurs are quite good at swatting our rockets out of the sky like they’re giant space piñatas,” Musk admitted soberly.
“And perhaps giving them their own planets to proliferate freely may not have been the stroke of genius I initially thought… though profits in the first three quarters were encouraging, it’s clear that dino-tourism may be a pursuit best left on earth.”