Boost Your LinkedIn Profile With These 6 Mild Cancers
Study shows that cancer survivors have a 16% greater chance of landing that dream job
In today’s competitive job market, people are doing anything they can to get ahead. From extensive networking to building a personal brand, there’s little people won’t entertain to stand out from the competition.
But according to recent research, among the best means we may have for boosting our prospects in the workplace is by attaining mild cancers. According to oncologist and professor Brian McFenson, “While it may be a common belief that all cancer is bad, some may be surprised to learn that others have a more… utilitarian component,” he explained. “The Squamous Cell Carcinoma and Basal Cell Carcinoma, for instance, aren’t so bad if they don’t ulcerate — and those who recover have been proven to augment their annual salary by a whopping 4%!”
According to one meta-analysis, the introduction of cancer into a job application can improve chances of being picked by a staggering 16%.
In the interest of the suddenly growing demand for cancers, a flourishing industry of cancer coaching has burgeoned. One Los Angeles cancer coach was caught by reporters returning home from a jog. “I tell my clients all the time — it’s all about staying ahead of your recently obtained illness,” he explained before stretching his arms above his head with a self-satisfied grunt.
“You see, anyone can give themselves cancer, but it’s not everyone who can kick its ass and still look good in their LinkedIn headshot. That’s what separates the strong-willed from those ‘waah-waah, I have cancer’ little babies.”
PhD scientist and New York City cancer coordinator Jeffrey Simons takes a more hands-on approach to giving people cancer — helping to deliberate between cancers and determine which one might be best for each client. “One man who came into our office recently was a financial advisor who I pointed toward thyroid cancer. And after a few non-invasive doses of radon, he had enough carcinogens in his bloodstream to get a raise at work!” he stated. He wore a look of pride over the difference he’d made in helping people to afford marginally bigger closet apartments within the overcrowded metropolis.
“One writer in Minnesota I suggested try Melanoma. With all of the time they spent indoors and at a computer already, we figured he had the highest shot of survival. And wouldn’t you believe he got his first book deal only two days after he listed ‘cancer survivor’ in his social media profiles?!” Simons said, recounting another miracle case from within only his limited time in the up-and-coming industry.
Programmer and computer technician Derick Jordans called his short bout of Colorectal Cancer “barely an inconvenience.” He later clarified when interviewed that, “The jaundice and unexplained weight loss caused their share of concerns, but I got a raise at work, and within 14 years time, I might just be able to pay off that second mortgage! And in this economy, who could turn down a deal like that?”
Cancer survivor turned billionaire and real estate tycoon Jonah Gleeson attributed his sudden turn of fate to a short-lived stint with Prostate Cancer. “It was like striking lightning in a bottle,” he said of the cancer that laid siege against his immune system. “Before I had cancer, it was like no one in the workplace took me seriously. But as soon as I said the word chemotherapy, it was like my boss suddenly noticed me. Little did I know that three months later, I’d have his job! Really, I owe it all to cancer…,” he stated, trailing off reflectively.
With soaring rent prices and the inflated cost of goods, it’s clear that cancer can play a critical role in helping us to stay afloat. And even while cancer may present its challenges, more and more people are coming to the conclusion they may have judged the mass-murdering disease prematurely. In this economy, we need whatever allies we can find.